


Loneliness is Where We Build Our Home

by Canyousensethesarcasm



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: F/M, Nessian - Freeform, Past, appreciation, talks of forgiveness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-04
Updated: 2016-12-04
Packaged: 2018-09-06 09:52:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8745652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Canyousensethesarcasm/pseuds/Canyousensethesarcasm
Summary: Nesta find out about Cassian's life as a child





	

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly it was inspired by all this talk of apologizing and flaws. And Cassian needs some love okay!! My poor baby… Also “All With You” by Taeyeon because I’m also k-pop/drama trash. What can you do? It’s also a really good soft song, so check it out. It kind of matches the theme.

The gossip stopped her heart cold. The words leaking out their mouths with pride. Triumph in their intonation. It left her with nothing but an aching sorrow.

“To think our commander is the legendary Cassian.” The young boy said, his smile exuberant. “To think, if he could survive out there so could I.” His voice, energetic, his eyes, bright. “To think that someone like him could become someone so great.”

Those were the words that stopped her, _someone like him?_ The syllables echoed in her mind, until an avalanche of curiosity and need fell through the roof. Nothing could stop her after that, from asking. Asking them to clarify those words that made her heart beat wildly and her eyes brows furrow.

“What do you mean?” She voiced aloud, startling the group of young warriors. Her heart beat faster than their mouths could reply. The pounding urging them to talk faster, to stop the ringing in her ears. To stop her body from combusting from the mere mention of his name.

“You don’t know?” They looked at each other, turning towards the other. She reigned in the irritation that began to crawl through her lungs. At last, the boy spoke, nervous anticipation in his gaze at the sight of her, but also respect. Honor. He was pleased to be in this unit, with this team. A family. He spoke slowly, enunciating every word.

“He was a bastard born-lower Illyrian, kicked out into the wilderness, meant to fend for himself for the rest of his bitter days. Refusing to take that as his title, he rose above the ranks, beating anyone that dared oppose him, to eventually become our commander. He fought with us, and for us, for our unit. We are lucky to have him.”

She looked at the others around him. They all nodded their assent.

“He’s a legend.” His eyes turned questioning, “How could you not have known?”

_How could she not have known?_

She had insulted him that day, and was happy when he was hurt. She was pleased when she had hit him where it caused him grief. Greater than any scar, a wound left open to dig in. Her heart and fists clenched at the pain, the pain she had caused herself.

She didn’t know him then, didn’t know that he would become one of the greatest people she’d ever met. Not that she’d ever admit it to him. He had made her strong, had taught her to use the anger as a sharp blade to cut any person that stood in her way. All while joking and laughing, and showing her that there was nothing to be afraid of if she stayed hopeful and able.

She swiftly thanked the boys in front of her and left. The ache was too heavy. She wanted no one to witness the mighty disaster she would likely embody.

* * *

She found him later, after dinner. Alone. She thanked whoever was out there for that important detail. He walked to put his dish away, stew, she thought she saw. When he faced her again, she couldn’t help it. The news just ate her up inside, and there was nothing left to gnaw on.

“I didn’t know.” She spoke. She could see the inquiring look that crossed his face. “Didn’t know what?” He said cautiously, voice rough. She sighed and her shoulders felt heavy. Even if the mere thought of telling him made her want to crawl out of the vent, she stood her ground and faced him. He had been by her all this time, it was only right to do the same.  

“You, your past, everything.” Nesta shook her head, “I’m so sorry.” He looked down in resignation but Nesta wasn’t finished. She had just begun. The well was finally overflowing.

“I shouldn’t have called you a bastard. I should tell you that I appreciate you more, but I don’t. I should tell you how great you are, on and off the battlefield, but it’s hard. You know it’s hard for me, but still, I should make the effort. It’s the least I can do for all you’ve done for me.” Her voice quieted. “No one has cared about me like that before, not like you have.”

Cassian’s eyes met hers. He didn’t say anything for a while, just contemplative and quiet. His lips turned upwards. “It’s okay, it was a long time ago. Many things have changed since then. But I do appreciate you telling me how great I am.”

And there came the jokes, like a record player. For the first time, Nesta realized, she wasn’t the only one who hid behind a lengthy façade. She supposed that made them more than comrades in arms, maybe they were soulmates after all.

She refused to settle for his nonchalant response. He had to know, he had to know that he was worth something. So much to her.

“You deserved a better life, you and your big heart. You deserved so much more than what you got.” She continued.

“Nesta.” He sighed. And finally, the well just burst, she couldn’t take it anymore. He didn’t understand. He meant so much to so many people, he did so much for so many people, and she had not shown him one bit of gratitude for practically giving her her life back.

“You didn’t deserve that!” She practically screamed. The anger causing her voice to crack. She took a deep breath but her eyes were stinging, it was impossible to blink without an outpour of rain.

“We don’t always get what we deserve.” He spoke, softly, as he shook his head.

He stared into her eyes. She tried not to flinch at his fixated gaze. She saw the little half smile painted on his face, saw how it held a grief so potent she wanted to cry. His head tilted sideways, lowering his stance to even out with hers. A promise to not look away from the pain they both held in their eyes. Maybe that’s why they shined so bright.  

She willed herself not to run, to stand her ground, to show him that his words didn’t cause her heart to beat like it, too, had wings. To show him that it was whole, and steady, and strong. That it wasn’t falling down a pit so far under she didn’t know if it could withstand the impact. Even she couldn’t lie that well.

She hated that his words always brought out a fire she couldn’t control, even if this time, water had been poured on her flame. She hated how he always brought the conversation back to her, how it was always someone else, and never him. How his heart was bigger than any she’d witness before, big enough for the whole world to feel. But mostly, she hated that she cared so much about this man who asked for nothing, with a friendly smile and a kind word.

_He’s important, he’s important, he’s important._ Her soul screamed. He was important to her. Behind the teasing, the fierce words, the vulgar gestures, the anger, she was grateful he was there. She was happy she had him, she was happy to be near him. She was so immensely thankful that she wasn’t alone. He had never made her feel alone.

It hit her then, full force, in the gut. A wound so deep it would scar. She would it keep like a memory, a remembrance of the promise she’d make this day. She swore, somewhere deep in her heart, where her hope and secrets lived, that Cassian would never be, either.

He would never be alone again.

**Author's Note:**

> It’s not the best one I ever wrote, I admit, but everyone has those days. (cue Hannah Montana song) It literally took me an hour of listening to somber music to write this, so…. don’t hate, appreciate.


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